Not even 30 minutes after we made a ridiculous profile with a fake email and pictures, the messages came rolling in. We stole some poor girl’s pictures off of MySpace and based the profile around the life of Sydney Andrews, a crazy character off that 90’s show, Melrose Place. I haven’t responded to any of the messages yet. Here are some of the messages I’ve been getting:

This man is a 50 year old divorcee.

Message subject: Generous to a fault with a penchant for Asian girls!

I am just a little out of your age range but am told I look younger. A true gentleman first and always, I own a software company, am very intelligent. I’m honest to a fault, extremely generous and an all around good man. I seek honesty, loyalty and intelligence in return.

I and not seeking my soulmate, but would not rule out natural selection. I do desire chemistry and a shot at friendship: someone to talk to who cares about how I think and feel, of course I would listen to you and care about how you feel and what you need.

I desire companionship: someone to do fun things with and go fun places. Dinners, movies, museums, travel, shop, whatever…ask about Robert’s Rules of Shopping…

Anything else would be after this…and if we both desire it, intimacy. Are you interested?

Robert

Okay… honestly, this message wasn’t that creepy but he used two phrases that no human should ever use.
1. Never refer to yourself as ANYTHING to a fault. This motherfucker used it TWICE! Honestly dude, what the fuck does that even mean?
2. Penchant for Asian girls? Really?? Yeah ‘cos nobody knew that white men love asian girls, BIG FUCKING SURPRISE! Also, I find this to be pretty obnoxious. OMGAZN, we get it. We’re not fucking novelties you fucking idiot. I think almost everyone has that one white friend who’s all about the asians. Dude we know what you are, I can’t speak for every other asian but I can spot a dude with an asian fetish from a mile away and you creep me the fuck out. No matter what, as long as I have slanted eyes, you’re all about me ‘cos we all look the same to you anyway right? awesoooome (bitches love smiley faces.)

Onto creep #2:

This man is 48 and married.

message #1: Hey sweetie. I am jeff. Just saw your profile and wanted to say hi. My pic code is 6396. I am on aim and yahoo messenger if that helps. I would love the chance to say hi. Hope to ttys
Jeff

message #2: Awww cheched me out and no reply.

message #3: How are you this morning? Hope the site is treating you well. I would love the chance to get to know you. Do you have yahoo messenger or aim? Hope to ttys
Jeff

This motherfucker right here has some balls. He’s all salty because he didn’t get a reply, let me tell you why he didn’t get a reply. First of all his profile says, “I am married,,, i am very bored. Been married forever…” and his martial status is “Married but Looking.” Not uh –- homie don’t play that. Not only are you married but you have kids, get your shit together asshole. I would love to meet up with this dude, steal his cellphone and fill his wife in on what he’s really been up to and ruin his life. UH points for continually trying? Yeah, I guess that’s not completely pathetic or anything…

creep #3: 32, looking for extramarital.

Hi, how are you? Your profile got my attention. I’m 32, married and not getting anything at home. I’m very passionate and sensual, I like to give pleasure as much as receive it. I would love to find a friend to help out and have fun with. I don’t have a pic on my profile but I can send one by e-mail. My address is ———@yahoo.com. If you are interested let’s talk more. Hope to hear from you soon!

Mark

Oh word? You’re 32 and stuck in a sexless marriage, what the fuck are you doing with your life? Get a fucking divorce or maybe even a separation while you’re still young. You’re completely capable of taking some drunk sluts home from the bar, you really don’t have to resort to hunting for ass on the internet. What you’re doing is equivalent to going to a bar and using a fake ID when you’re well above the legal age, get real dude. And I didn’t know nice guys cheated on their wives. (His name on the site is niceguy.)

creep #4: 44 and martial status: Do You Care?

Two questions

1. Does $2,000/month work for you? Getting together 1-2 times a month?
2. Are you open to oral…giving and receiving?

Sorry if this comes off wrong…not intended to be that way but I know what I like. I’m a businessman with limited time and don’t plan to be on this site forever. Just looking someone with mutual interest.

Don’t want to waste your time or mine.

Jay

I love how this guy straight propositioned me for sex right away. No hey wsup? a/s/l, just DTF? Jay, I like your style.

creep #5: 53 from AC, martial status Do You Care?

Hello Beautiful Lady
It is nice to meet you on here. You seem like a very beautiful and sexy lady. I would love to get to know you and maybe see you a few afternoons a month at first and see how well we fit together. I am Italian/ American, generous, supportive, fun to be with, playful, professional, successful, cultured, classy, very clean, mostly normal, very gifted, very romantic, respectful, tender, very sexual and very passionate. I am for real and I hope you are too. I would love to see you this week
tender kisses
Richard
—-@yahoo.com

First of all, you said TENDER KISSES, YOU FAGGOT. HAHAHAHA. Say “very” one more time. Second, you look like the type of dude that rapes and kills hookers and leaves their bodies in ditches. Could you at least try not to look so fucking creepy in your pictures? Who would want to fuck you? Seriously, even for obscene amounts of money, no bitch is getting anywhere near you or your dick with pictures like that. Third, you look like you wish you could work for the mafia… FAIL.

That’s all for now, more updates to come

I haven’t replied to any of these yet but you should suggest some things I could reply with and I’ll send whichever one is the funniest.

Yesterday at 4:54PM, some creep came here by searching, “should i fuck my mom” on Yahoo.

So just in case this creep comes back… NO you should not fuck your mom you sick fuck. You should go punch yourself in the dick repeatedly for even thinking about it. Actually, I’m pretty sure the world doesn’t need anymore incestuous degenerates like you going around reproducing so do everyone a favor and drop out of life.